Friday, September 26, 2008

A little about me

When I was 18 I fell in love with a beautiful man. He had just finished his stint at the Royal Military Academy, a very prestigious military college for future officers, somewhat the equivalent of West Point.

He was a very handsome and intelligent man in perfect physical condition and as male as they come. We were besotted with each other, were married a year later and soon we had our son. As a civilian he was an actor in TV, stage and movies. About a year after our son was born, we had a wrap party at our home with the cast and crew of the movie. One of the actresses at the party approached me that night and told me that she really liked me and felt bad for me. She asked me if I knew that when my husband was going for dinner with the guys after rehearsal or the days shoot, that he was not just going for dinner with his friends but that it was candlelight, wine and roses.

I was completely floored. I had no idea, never sensed a thing to be not right in our marriage. We were not only husband and wife but we were the best of friends. We had sex and everything seemed as normal as a marriage could be. Of course at 21 I completely over-reacted and immediately felt betrayed and made a fool of. I left him, taking our son with me. I retreated to my parents home and found myself in the middle of a battle between the in-laws. His parents felt that I was too young to raise a child alone and should put my year old son up for adoption. My parents felt it was wrong to let a boy grow up knowing that his father was *gasp* gay. They all agreed that if I loved my son that I would give him to a *normal* family to grow up away from this horror show that they felt was his future.

I eventually caved in for the sake of giving my son a shot at a life with 2 parents and all of the advantages. Oh, what I did for love. Oh how I regret it. I lost not only my dearest friend but my son because of my not yet formed character.

Looking back, years later, I see a tragedy. If I had not come from such a closed minded society I may still be with that lovely man. I had nothing against him except my naive belief that romance is a requirement of love and that children must have the traditional family to have a happy life.

Years later I did seek out the son that I had allowed to be taken from me. He was raised with 2 parents but the love wasn't there. The father let his wife adopt a baby to make her happy. To him it was like getting her a pet. He had zero interest in my son. He was divorced with children from his first marriage. He was a total bastard. Oh my God, how that broke my heart to learn that I had made the most monumental mistake.

Anyway. The thing I want to convey is that we all do the best we can with what we are given. The inability for all involved in this mess to be loving, empathetic, tolerant, accepting, forgiving and supportive is what was wrong. The problem wasn't that my husband was gay. The problem was that he was rejected for it by everyone including me out of ignorance and an inability to accept and forgive.

Sadly, as I got older and had more experience in life I learned a lot about people. I had friends who were gay and learned that they were just people like everyone else that have hopes and dreams for a full life. The difference is that we, the straights, are not persecuted for being straight. We have all of the advantages of being the ones with "stars on thars".

I have believed that a person has the right to self-identify. I have been extremely defensive of Clay because the ones that have mocked and ridiculed him for years were wrong to do so. I will never change my mind about the assholes, including the OCers and the haters who have made fun of Clay, used him for their slash and porn fantasies and helped to fuel the militant gay factions with salacious gossip. Whether Clay was gay or not, they will never be right for how they mocked him. There is no forgiveness in me for that. Clay may be gay but he isn't that caricature of a mentally ill, sex addicted, trolling man whore that they portrayed.

Clay is a decent man. A loving father. A dear friend, A passionate humanitarian. A supremely talented singer, actor, songwriter and author. He is a loving son and a responsible citizen that loves his God and votes his conscience. Oh, and he happens to be gay.

As for my ex-husband? He committed suicide.

43 comments:

  1. Anonymous12:13 PM

    OMG....I am so sorry Chexxxy. I had no idea how incredibly painful and difficult things have been for you. You have been more than most people could possibly imagine. Some of the things that have happened to you are simply unthinkable. I don't even know what to say through all of my tears. You are a wonderful person and a very strong person. Clay is right. Whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. I hate that you had to get strong in such a horrible way.


    {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

    ~emerson

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  2. Thanks Chexxy for bravely telling your story about your son and ex husband. We've all made some mistakes in life that we wish we could take back, but fortunately, I think most of us take those mistakes and learn from them and grow more as a person. BRAVO!

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  3. Chexxxy....you are one of the bravest women I've never met! And I still love Clay Aiken with my whole heart!
    Someday those who mocked, ridiculed and lied about Clay may look back in regret. We will never have to. Supporting this man is the easiest thing I've ever done.

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  4. Thanks for the hugs, I appreciate them, yes it was very difficult for me, but the one that needed the compassion was my husband. He was a wonderful man who lost it all because of ignorance.

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  5. tnmtmama12:23 PM

    Chexxxy, that must have been incredibly difficult to write. Thank you for sharing.

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  6. Chexxxy, I'm so sorry and can see why you've been so supportive of Clay and tried to stop the attacks on the very good man. The fact that he happens to be gay has nothing to do with his character as I'm your husband was also a good man.

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  7. Chexxxy, Thanks you so much for sharing that part of yourself. Sending as many hugs as you can handle. Experience is what life is all about, but damn sometimes it just too hard at times.
    Love you Chexxy, and thanks for all you do.

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  8. Anonymous12:31 PM

    It will be interesting in the coming weeks if the National Enquirer, Globe, and Star tabloids continue to batter Clay after his coming out.

    I am sure they will, but as always, they will push it too far, and it will drive people and fans towards Clay and not from him.

    When he records again, it will be interesting how the critics accept him next time. We will see that they may have had an agenda against Clay from the very beginning.

    Regardless, someday the haters will pay dearly for their hatred and dislike of Clay! I just hope I live to watch it happen.

    Forgive, yes, but first get even!

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  9. Webby thank you for having the courage to write this post it can't have been easy for you. I am ashamed to say that I have been feeling sorry for myself because Clay did not measure up to who I want him to be, It hurt a lot, I am spoilt and have had things pretty much my way all my life, reading about your struggles has made me see how selfish and self centered I am at times. I will certainly from this moment on put Clay first and foremost and not worry about my feelings all the time. Once again you have done Clay a favour and in the long run me too, I thank you

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  10. Anonymous1:05 PM

    Wow, Chexxxy. That was incredibly courageous of you to share that story. Thank you.

    I hope those that think you are close-minded and homophobic finally "get it" that they were wrong.

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  11. claniac241:07 PM

    Chexxxy, your story touched me to the core. I'm still in tears. How painful for you it must be to realize what your lack of knowledge and awareness forced you to give up.

    I'd love for Chexxxy's Place to be a forum for education, with extended branches, so that what happened to you as a young woman will never happen to another young woman. It's sad beyond belief that our society is so ignorant. Let's do something to change that! I think it would be the finest way to honor Clay.

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  12. Anonymous1:08 PM

    Chexxxy, I soooo admire your courage.

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  13. Filomena1231:11 PM

    Chexxxy... I just want to hug you.

    I am sorry for what you had to go through, back then and now. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you.

    You are one of the bravest people I know. You really put yourself in the line of fire fighting for what is right, and against the injustice. Thank you for everything you have done.

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  14. miss tacky1:12 PM

    Chexxxy, thank you being so generous with your personal story. You have my respect and affection as always.

    The truth is always the way.

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  15. Wow Chexxxy. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your story. And yes, I agree with your POV that everyone has the right to self-identify and to be able to live their life with dignity. Not be mocked, ridiculed and the subject of slash and porn fantasies.

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  16. Anonymous1:14 PM

    Thanks for sharing Chexxxy. Everyone has a story and hearing yours helps people to understand better.

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  17. Anonymous1:19 PM

    wow, I'm so sorry, thanks for sharing.

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  18. lsdolly2:57 PM

    Thank you for sharing your story, it must have been difficult for you. I'd like to tell you a little bit about me.
    My Dad was gay and left our family when he was 35. My Mother, carried on, raised us, and never once said a bad thing about him. Because of that, I was able and free to maintain a close relationship with him and his partner until they both passed several years ago. We all have stories, Chexxy...everyone should be compassionate and refrain from judging others. I love Clay Aiken, and always will...he's just a man trying to live his life.
    Im guessing the Weight of the World has been lifted from his shoulders, and mine too.

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  19. jeann113:12 PM

    Thank you Chexxxy for sharing with us.It took a lot of courage to post that.

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  20. {{{Chexxy}}} My heart breaks for you and what you experienced concerning your ex-husband. I am sorry that you have to live with the regret of not accepting your ex-husband and all that happened with your son as a result of that. It was a terrible time for you all and I am sad that it happened to you. I really don't think you should feel blame, though. Society as a whole has changed to a much more enlightened and accepting one since then(even though it still has a long way to go). I believe you were only reacting in a way that your experiences at that time allowed. As for defending Clay, I can say that many of us who love him were not defending him against the people who thought he was gay and were respectful of him, but against those that were using their belief as a reason to malign, demean, or attack him; against those that thought it was their right to tell his sexual identity, gay or not, and whether he should come out or not. Only Clay has that right and I am happy that he has come out his way for his own reasons.

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  21. It seems that God truly does have a plan for all of us. I believe that your experience helped lead you here and to be one of Clay's fiercest advocates and protectors (not, as he says, he needs protection).

    I'm so sorry for for all you went through - for your husband and son. I hope you and your son have been able to establish some sort of relationship.

    Bean

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  22. Chexxxy, I can't begin to tell you how much your story has touched me. You are such a strong person that has risen above your troubles as a young person.

    I know I will always admire what you fought for. It takes a real person, with real passion to do the right thing for all concerned.

    (((((((((Hugs and more!)))))))))

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  23. {{{{{{{{Chexxxy}}}}}}}}}

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  24. Chexxxy,
    You simply amaze me. You are such a strong woman. Thank you for sharing your story.
    Many hugs are sent your way.......

    {{{{Hugs}}}}
    Jan

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  25. Thank you for sharing your story.
    You are a very strong lady.

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  26. Anonymous6:32 PM

    Chexxxy
    I feel so bad for you that you had to go through all that. That had to be very hard on you.

    (((hugs)))


    The thing I fault Clay for is the lies.

    Some of us have been raised to believe homosexuality is a sin... that it is wrong. That is the way I grew up and that is what I believe.

    I feel like Clay deceived me and everyone else because if he had told the truth about who he was in the beginning I would not have become a fan. I would not have invested over five years in someone that lived a lifestyle that I think is wrong.

    A lot of people...myself included have been hurt more than I ever could have thought because of Clay's deception.

    In the People magazine he says:

    "The fans, if they leave, they leave. But if they leave, I don't want them to leave hating me. I don't want them to leave feeling that I lied to them, because I didn't."

    Can you believe he actually said this?

    He also said the same thing on the GMA website. I read it there this morning.

    How can he possibly say that? He just didn't lie once but many, many times. He has even went so far as to describe the type of girl he wanted to be married to...and did this on several shows.

    Chexxxy if I am not mistaken you made a list and even a video of all the times Clay has denied being gay.

    Even up until November 2006 during his last LKL interview he denied it. When he told Larry that he had answered the question before...that he had answered the only way he could answer...because the only way that he had ever answered that question was to say that he was not gay.

    I believed what he told us for five plus years and then he just casually goes on GMA and announces that he is gay as if he is talking about the weather...as if he didn't tell the world all those years that he was not gay...and what makes it even worse is that he was not one bit guilty or remorseful for lying to us. He says he didn't lie when there is plenty of proof that he did.

    Was that fair to people that have been taught that the gay lifestyle is wrong...was that fair to not put the truth out there in the beginning and let people decide for themselves if they wanted to become his fans?

    I am very angry that he did this. He was given a chance many times during 2006 to come out but he chose to continue the lie.

    It also makes me angry that after all that he has done people pat him on the back as if he didn't do a thing wrong. They sweep everything he did under the rug as if it is no big deal. Yes I am very angry.

    For more than five years I supported him, never saying a bad thing about him...I defended him against anybody...no matter who they were that bashed him or brought up what I thought at the time were lies.

    I joined your board Chexxxy because it was all about respect for Clay and taking him at his word.

    Well we took him at his word but it came back to bite us in the butt.

    I honestly feel that he has made a mockery out of your board and what it stood for.

    How can he be respected after what he has done?

    What is it about this guy that some people see no wrong in him no matter what he does? There is constantly one excuse after another made for him and that is just not right.

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  27. Its called compassion, anonymous. Followed by understanding and acceptance. It comes from love.

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  28. Anonymous10:13 PM

    Chexxxy - I don't know you but I am so sorry for the pain you went through. God bless you and I admire you for everything you have done for Clay. You have brought me to tears - I have cried for Clay and I cry for you. I also send hugs your way. I admire you and wish the best for you.

    Sandy B.

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  29. Anonymous6:01 AM

    I think it would help greatly if only Clay would say "I'm sorry if I deceived you, and I hope you can forgive me for that."

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  30. Birdie97:32 AM

    {{{Chexxxy}}}, I love ya, lady.

    Thank you for sharing.

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  31. ((((((((((((Chexxxy)))))))))))) I am so sorry that you had to go through all this. To have all the adults in your life giving you advice that is so wrong and being too young to see it or to resist their pressure -- indeed this is a tragedy. I hope that you and your son now have a relationship and that he is living a happy life in spite of what he went through. I am so sorry that your husband felt that the only way out for him was suicide. Please know that that was not your fault. Society has come a long way since then.

    You and all of us on your board were right to support Clay Aiken's right to self-identify. We were right to defend him from the writers of horrible stories. I wish that PH and JP and the OC writers of horrible fanfic could somehow be called to account for the harm they have caused.

    Thank you for telling your story. You are a brave woman and I admire you immensely.

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  32. Anonymous1:37 PM

    Chexxxy, your story was so touching and brought me to tears. You are obviously a very strong woman.

    ML

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  33. whatnot3:37 PM

    Wow.
    You certainly didn't have to share such a personal story. So tragic and moving. And it takes guts to let people spew their hatred on your blog. I'm so glad I read your story. I just wish I hadn't read some of the heartless comments.

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  34. Anonymous4:52 PM

    4:19

    You seriously don't know what you are talking about.

    Chexxxy does not deserve the lies you and your cohorts spew about her.


    You way overexagerate when you say the fandom is destroyed. I don't think that is the case at all...you should go check out all the clay fansites and you'll see. I think he has more fans now than he has ever had.

    And all because he came out. Something sure is not right about that.

    Anyway I wouldn't worry about the fandom if I were you. It's alive and well.

    I don't think you are worried anyway. I believe you are just one of the lowlifes coming to bash on Chexxxy.

    Go back to the swamp where you belong.

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  35. Anonymous Anonymous said...

    heartless? you wanna talk about heartless? how about you step up and ask your leader to take responsibility for the hate and hurt she has puked all over this fandom for the past 2+ years.

    THAT is heartless. What she has done to destroy this fandom will never be undone by some poor, pitiful me story.

    Buck the fuck up and take responsibility for your role in hurting and chasing fans away, THEN maybe you'll gain some integrity back.

    I seriously doubt it but it's worth a try.

    4:19 PM

    I regret nothing. Those hateful people are still hateful people. The fact that he is gay changes nothing.

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  36. Anonymous5:56 PM

    5:14 said:

    4:52: you are a dumbass. do you have the ability to think on your own?

    Chexxxy spent the past 2+ years beating the shit out of anyone who even hinted that they thought Clay was gay. She chased people away, she posted their personal information and she threatened them.
    *********************************

    4:52

    Right back at you...the dumbass part.

    I sure do have the ability to think on my own. I don't have any trouble with that at all...and I know exactly how Chexxxy defended Clay against the gay crap because I did the same thing.

    Clay said he was not gay and he had that right to self identify...the people at Chexxxy's believed him...it's called taking him at his word.

    If he had not come out I would still be defending him against anybody that said he was...Chexxxy or no.

    How was we to know he was living a lie? Because you and you cohorts said so?

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  37. Each person is responsible for their own words. Go ahead and quote mine if you want to lay a smackdown on me. I am no more responsible for your posts, playbiller, than you were for mine when we both posted on the CH.

    Now piss off!

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  38. My ex hubby did too. He "succumbed" to his gayness and couldn't live with himself. What a pity, because he wasn't a bad guy. What made it even more interesting (to me) is that his younger brother was gay and he seemed okay with that. But, apparently, not for himself.

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  39. Hope it's not too late to leave a ((((chexxxy))))

    thank you for sharing your story. It's my hope that acceptance and understanding will become the norm.

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  40. ceecee11:23 PM

    I also found out that my husband was gay. Our son was only four months old when I spotted my husband's car in front of the only gay bar in our city. Unlike you, I chose to stay with my husband to try and give him a chance at being a father to our son. Well, things did not turn out so well. He started bar-tending in that gay bar and sometimes he would not come home for days. Eventually, we split and with the help of my parents, I was able to take care of my son. It was very hard for me but I'm glad that we went our separate ways. We never heard from him after the divorce. No child support from him and he has never contacted his son.

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  41. Anonymous5:19 AM

    I'm just wondering, Chexxxy, if you feel any renorse now for posting your "wall of shame." I know several people on it who are fans, still love Clay, and their only "crime" was daring to suggest he was gay. I'm sorry for what happened to you in the past, and what you went through, but I think you owe a lot of people an apology.

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  42. Anonymous11:26 AM

    Oh Chexxxy--I had no idea. Your story explains so much to me. I can't imagine your pain.

    I have always read your blogs--not always agreed with them or the content, but I know you were trying to do what you felt needed to be done. I do think the censure in the fandom hasn't always helped his fans open their eyes to what was really happening at times.

    Hugs to you, today and every day.

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  43. Anonymous Anonymous said...

    I'm just wondering, Chexxxy, if you feel any renorse now for posting your "wall of shame." I know several people on it who are fans, still love Clay, and their only "crime" was daring to suggest he was gay. I'm sorry for what happened to you in the past, and what you went through, but I think you owe a lot of people an apology.

    5:19 AM


    Nope, no regrets and no apology. Those people were assholes then and they are assholes now.

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